Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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