when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize