Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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