U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
