I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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