Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
