I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
