He kissed a someone with a penis
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
