we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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