Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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