i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
