sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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