y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
