I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
