My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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