I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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