Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
