i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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