I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
