she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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