Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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