My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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