Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize