the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
