tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
