Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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