I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
