are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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