i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
