my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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