I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
