you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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