i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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