I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
he puts the penis in happiness.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
