Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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