No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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