Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
