Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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