Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
