Swine flu. Run for my life!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
