I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
