Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish you could order shots online.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
