Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
