Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
