The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My ATM looks so different sober.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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