bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
