Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
