so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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