I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
