my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
