In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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