No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
