my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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