Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
