Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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