good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
