Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
