mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
